Germ Warfare

Twice during the past week I've had a run in on the train with a cougher.  One today and one earlier this week. Here is an account of those run ins. Peak hour trains fill up fast and "3 seaters" fill to capacity. One hopes that there are fewer riders so that there is an empty seat acting as a buffer. When trains fill up, the seat buffer, along with “personal space” goes right out the window. Add cold and flu season into the mix and you’ve got the movie Outbreak on wheels!

I rushed on to get a window seat in a “3 seater”. With a minute or two before we depart, I see him...... Captain Grotesque. He was about 5'5", morbidly obese and was eyeing that middle seat as if it were his last meal. It is alot like the man code in a public restroom, you always leave one urinal in-between you and your neighbor if at all possible and he just broke the rule by taking that seat. His forehead was covered in sweat from the apparent 20-yard walk down the platform. He took his sweet time getting his jacket off and draping it across the overhead rack. As he sat down, I could feel his gut spill over into my side. His body temperature was about 110 degrees and I could feel the dampness of his shirt. I glanced over at his ticket that he pulled out for the conductor and prayed that he would get off at an earlier stop than I. I tried to ignore him and began to read my book. He pulled a book out as well and held it with his little T-Rex arms straight out in front of him agains the seat.

A cell phone rang. Sure enough, it was his. There is absolutely nothing worse than someone answering a phone on the train and continuing to talk at a high volume for all to hear. It's the equivalent to answering a call in church and proceeding to discuss the most intimate details of your life. I thought, “Could it get any worse?” At that moment, he put his phone away and began to read. A few seconds went by and the sneezing began. Captain Grotesque continuously sneezed into his book. I checked myself for stray snot shrapnel and came out unscathed. Only a few more stops and I was free! I glanced over at his book and to my surprise; page 237 was covered in a pinkish yellow mucous. It covered ⅓ of the page and he did not even attempt to close the book or turn the page to hide his disgusting phlegm wad. At this point I was ready to get up and stand in the isle the rest of the trip. We pull up to the next station and he gets off the train, I burned my clothes when I got home.

           This evening, the coughing fit began behind me. Cough after cough was erupting and all I could think about was the flu shower I was taking and there was nothing that I could do about it. A Purell foam party couldn't save me at this point! It sounded as if this woman is about 15 minutes from bleeding out. I accepted the fate of my immune system and look forward to the night sweats and 102 fever in a few days. I’ll have to suggest a quarantine car for the Metro North next time I walk by the suggestion box at Grand Central... if there is one. I guess there is nothing you can do but wear a SARS mask until flu season ends.